


See me

by Ja_Levi



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Age Difference, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Dirty Talk, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Interracial Relationship, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Miscarriage, Mpreg, References to Depression, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Loki (Marvel), Trans Male Character, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-14 13:48:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28796421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ja_Levi/pseuds/Ja_Levi
Summary: Loki has a problem with being self destructive and Heimdall watches from the sidelines until Loki can't take it anymore.In which Loki hates how Heimdall is always there to protect him and keep him out of trouble and how Heimdall is pissed off at Loki self pitying himself.
Relationships: Heimdall/Loki (Marvel)
Kudos: 26





	See me

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't even ship this before I wrote this. This was started as a joke. Now look at it. 7k+ words? Are you fucking kidding me? This was meant to be a crack fic. What the fuck, ✨?
> 
> I'm sorry for any spelling errors. I've been super distracted so my spelling hasn't been great. I hope that you enjoy this. 
> 
> OH, BEFORE YOU READ THOUGH!
> 
> To me, 50 human years = 1 Asgardian years. So when the ages are brought up, Loki is 14 and Heimdall is 19. They don't do anything together at this age, this is when they meet.
> 
> So in human years, they have a 5 year difference but in Asgardian ages the age difference is 250 years.
> 
> -✨

Loki ties his hair up into a ponytail before he rolls up his shirt sleeves. Brunnhilde lets out a harsh grunt as she picks up a barrel of fresh vegetables. She spares a glance at the half recovered Jotun, who is eying the barrels in front of him with a glare of digust.

He lifts his gaze when he notices eyes on him. Loki meets Brunnhilde's raised eyebrow and impatient blinking. Twitching his nose before he waves his hand dismissively, Loki looks away from her. "Don't judge me, Brun. I'm trying how best to pick these up without hurting myself. You'll do best to keep your impatience to yourself."

Starting to walk away from the former prince, the Valkerie rolls her eyes. "You'll do best to keep your sass to yourself. Lest you forget, I am your king, so you will watch your tongue with me, Lackey." Brunnhilde hears a scoff come from behind her but she mainly ignores it, not paying her frienemy any more attention.

Soon enough, Loki has a barrel securely pressed to his chest as he follows the rocky trail up to the markets. He lets out a huff as he feels his chest tighten. Fighting back a wheeze, Loki stumbles to a half at the top of the track.

The god silently despises himself when he frantically pats down his pockets in order to pull out a blue inhaler. Loki up caps it and presses the end between his lips, pushing on the button and then inhaling the medicine.

Ever since he was found floating around in space, trapped inside of a half preserved ice coma, Loki had been struggling to breathe. When he first started to show signs of recovery, his body was fit enough to be diagnosed with a chest condition, likely caused by the cold air of space.

Loki was diagnosed with asthma a while back and while he is recovering and healing the best he can, he's not quite there yet so he must put up with his issues for as long as they're there. It's just like how the upper left side of his chest is a permanent shade of blue, because of his weak and poor ability to properly keep himself preserved when he was floating around in space. 

Shaking off his wheezing spell, Loki puts his inhaler back into his pocket before he relifts the barrel, continuing on his way to the markets with the fresh vegetables. He places it down once he gets to the nearest stall. Brunnhilde is still there, talking to the stall owner. Loki goes to turn around to go grab another barrel when he feels a hand on his shoulder.

At the sudden touch, Loki spins around to find the fully healed Heimdall staring at him. The man is currently shirtless due to the heat, and that means that his scars on his chest are completely visible to whoever looks at him.

Loki looks up at the very slightly taller man, locking eyes with him. "May I help you, Heimdall?" His not quite friend-somewhat ally tilts his head and frowns at him. "How are you fairing as of late? I saw you on your way up and I'm worried at how you don't seem to be getting better."

Brushing off Heimdall's concern with a scoff, Loki shakes the Watcher's hand off of his shoulder. "I'm fine, Heimdall. I am a god, not some weak mortal. I have centuries to heal, so you mustn't waste your time watching my every move. Now focus on your job, and I shall focus on mine."

As Loki pulls away and starts to walk back down the way he came, the Jotun can feel Heimdall watching him. He huffs and walks faster, trying to hide away from the other's glowing orange eyes. Even when he's back at the port, Loki can feel the other watching him. "Stop it," he grunts out before he picks up another barrel.

\---------------

Loki stumbles and trips over, his hands going in front of his face to protect himself from the impact of the fall. He's currently in the woods, collecting bark and sticks for dream catchers since he can't quite pick up large chunks of wood at a time, not unless it's just thin planks of timber.

Loki has tripped over a loose root and now he's trembling against the floor. "No, no, no. I'm going to be late, oh no," Loki sniffles against the grass. He tries to push himself upwards but it hurts. The Jotun shakes and tears start to stream down his face.

He needs to deliver these small pieces of bark and twigs and twine to the festival stands by two in the morning or else tomorrow's festival will be down an arts and crafts stall. Loki wipes his face. He doesn't know why he's being so fragile, so breakable. It's been like this since he woke up from his coma. It's been three years since that, but Loki is no closer to being emotionally stable.

"I should be stronger by now. I should be better," he grits out, wiping his nose with the back of his sleeve. Loki hears a sharp snap from behind him and he whips his head around, the force of it pushing him down against the floor once more.

"Who...Who's there?" He asks shakily. He backs away from the sound and he twitches his nose. A figure steps forwards and Loki looks up only to see brownish orange eyes look back at him. Realising that he knows who it is, Loki stops backing away. However, he doesn't stop shaking.

Heimdall steps closer and kneels down in front of Loki. There's that obvious concern nestled within his eyes what Loki is so used to seeing as of late and it makes Loki shy away from the Watcher. "Stop looking at me like that," Loki whispers, furrowing his eyebrows in annoyance.

Heimdall sighs and shakes his head. "Loki, you mustn't strain yourself like this. You haven't yet healed fully and--" Loki kicks his leg at Heimdall, fury filling him quickly. "Shut up, shut up! I am fine! I am FINE! Go away! Leave me alone!"

Heimdall frowns and he grabs Loki's leg when he tries to kick him again. "Loki, stop it. I hate to see you like this. I know that you hate being defenseless like this, but you don't have that much of a choice. Let me help you."

Shaking his head, Loki tries to pull his leg away from Heimdall. "No, fuck off! I'm fine, I am FINE! Leave me...leave me alone. Please..." Slumping against a tree behind him, Loki hides his face. "Please stop using your sight to find me. I know that you were looking. I could feel your gaze upon me. You forget that just because I have no ability to connect to my magic doesn't mean I can't sense when you're looking at me. I hate it when you do that."

Heimdall fights back an agitated huff and he stands up. Loki looks up at the Watcher who is now shuffling closer. Loki braces himself as he feels Heimdall put his arms under him to lift him up off of the floor. He yelps and he grabs onto Heimdall's shirt tightly.

"Don't drop me, please don't drop me," Loki rambles, panicking. He looks back at the stuff he dropped and he sniffles. "I...Heimdall, I-"  
"Loki, stop worrying about the bark and twigs. I'll get some after I've taken you back to your place. You're in pain. Please just take it easy."

Loki lets out a ragged breath. "I can't afford to. Please just put me down. I can walk, I can, please. I'm not helpless, please." Heimdall ignores Loki's begging, just carrying the former prince back to his staying quarters.

\-------------

Loki leans on his crutch as he hands a young boy a dream catcher. "Thank you, Mister Loki, Sir." Loki nods and offers him a weak smile. "No worries, little one." Loki watches as the boy skips off. The Jotun sighs before he turns around in his festival stall and pats his jacket pocket.

The god pulls out a packet of cigarettes and he opens it, shifting up the packet so that two cigarettes jump upwards. Loki goes to put one into his mouth until he hears a forced cough. "Do you really think that smoking is a good choice, considering your chest condition?" Loki glances towards the voice and he glares at the man who's looking at him with a raised eyebrow.

"Fuck off. There's no one at this stall apart from I, so leave me alone. I'll be fine, it's just a smoke."  
"Just a smoke, is it? Then your life is just a life. There's nothing important about it then. It's something to throw away. Is that what you truly think, my prince?"  
"...don't place words into my mouth."

"This is revealing the words that you won't show me, it's not placing anything anywhere. You are being self destructive, little prince."  
"And I am entitled to my piece of self destruction. You are not allowed to judge me as such. Watch your place."  
"Watch my place, you say? You are no longer my king, Loki. You'll do best to remember that I am your acquaintance and that when I call you 'little prince,' it is not because of your previous title but it is out of respect. You are not above me anymore. I have no need to watch my place."

Loki kisses his teeth before he places a cigarette in between his lips. He finds his lighter and he sparks it up. He hears the crunch of grass and Loki looks up into Heimdall's eyes. Heimdall moves a hand upwards, grabbing Loki's chin.

The Jotun tenses, unaware as to why Heimdall has suddenly stepped into his personal space. Heimdall moves his hand across Loki's face slowly, making Loki's cheeks tint a faint pink. "You play with fire, little prince. And I'm the only one who can see the way that you get burned. You must stop this recklessness. You can no longer afford to take these risks. Look at you, you're fragile. You're breaking. Don't keep doing this."

Loki goes to speak but Heimdall silences him by taking the lit cigarette from in between his lips. The way Heimdall's fingers brush against his mouth leaves him speechless and awkward. "Because I will be the one who has to watch you suffer."

Terrified of the sudden intimacy of the situation, Loki pushes Heimdall away from him. He grabs his crutch and he starts to walk away from the stall. He shakes as he tries to leave faster. He feels Heimdall's eyes on him as he leaves. Loki wants him to stop looking at him.

\-------------

"Take a long walk off of a short pier! You absolute dick!" Loki yells and he downs yet another shot of rum. The guy who he's yelling at is smirking, both pieces of Loki's now broken crutch held in his hands. The guy is grinning widely, his teeth bared. "So much for being a god. You can't even heal yourself and it's been nearly four years. So now you rely on everyone else around you to keep you safe while you twiddle your thumbs and make your shitty little dream catchers just to get some loose change."

The man's words sting and Loki feels his face flush with humiliation as the man keeps degrading him. Loki should tell him to shut the fuck up, because he's worthless compared to a former prince. But realistically, Loki knows that he is just as worthless. He's fallen so far from glory. He once was a king and now he's a cripple. And he can't even draw up any magic to heal himself. So he's pathetic and invalid. 

"Leave him alone, Frey," a sharp grunt comes from behind him. The drunken Jotun turns around and as more or less expected, Heimdall is right there, almost as if on que. Loki feels an unrivalled rage at Heimdall always trying to fight his battles for him. 

Loki can't even breathe without Heimdall breathing down his neck to make sure he's okay. He can't blink without those orange eyes being pinned onto his back. He can't do anything without being watched by the Watcher.

Loki shoves his hands against Heimdall's chest, knocking Heimdall back a little bit. There's tears glossing over his eyes. His chest starts to heave and he grits his teeth together in his frustration. Heimdall hides the surprise that he feels, just staring at the younger man with a calculating gaze. "I hate you! Fuck off, I can handle this myself! I can take care of myself!"

Heimdall steps forwards to the inebriated former prince. His eyes narrow for the first time in a long time and Loki doesn't back down from the silent threat for a single second. Loki glares at the Watcher and the Watcher glares back.

"If you can take care of yourself, why the fuck are you letting yourself be harassed and bullied by citizens?" Heimdall backs Loki into the table. Most of the people around the table have left, sensing the tightening atmosphere. Loki thumps his hands against the table behind him so he doesn't hurt himself by accident.

Heimdall slams his hands down on either side of Loki. "If you can handle it, why don't you stand up for yourself? What do you gain from letting them stomp all over you?" Heimdall's voice is lower than usual, which catches Loki off guard. He chokes on his words and he can't meet his eyes. Heimdall leans down slightly, making him feel cornered.

Loki trembles and tries to hide away from Heimdall's eyes. His all seeing gaze. It's not possible though and Loki feels ashamed. Heimdall moves a hand to Loki's chin and he roughly forces him to meet his eyes. Loki's green eyes flutter and he sniffles. "I-I..."

"Do you want to know the truth, little Loki? You're weak. You need someone to hold your hand and make you feel secure, because you hate yourself after you fucking love the humiliation and the self destruction. You need the attention, in any form that it comes in. And do you want to know what else? You like it when someone like me comes along to pull you out of the trouble that you get yourself into. Do you want to know how I know this? Because I fucking watch every move you make. And it's a good job that I fucking do."

A broken sob leaves Loki and he slumps weakly. Heimdall sees how insecure Loki looks right now, cowering beneath his stare. Heimdall frowns and he sighs softly. As tears pour down Loki's cheeks, Heimdall strokes his thumb across Loki's face, catching the tears. "Hey, hey. It's okay, sh. I didn't mean to be so blunt. Oh Loki, I didn't mean to hurt you."

Loki looks at him and he sniffles once again. "It's fine. You're right. I'm weak. I'm fragile. I'm pathetic, aren't I? Admit it, I shouldn't have even survived my coma. I wish you had left me in space. I go out seeking trouble and hate when it arrives."  
"And when it arrives, I'm here to help you out of it. That's why I watch you. To protect you. I didn't mean to call you weak. I'm sorry, my prince."

Scoffing bitterly before he shoves Heimdall's hands off of him, Loki feels himself feel sick. "Yeah right. 'My prince.' I'm hardly a prince. I'm a fucking...weaver. I make trinkets now. I'm nothing but a stall owner. That's hardly a job for a royal."

Loki knocks Heimdall away himself and he storms off. "And stop fucking watching me!" He calls behind him as he slams the bar door shut.

\-------------

Loki hits himself over the head as he sobs. There's blood trickling down his wrists to his elbows and he sniffles. He didn't mean to let it get this far. He didn't mean to be this broken. He fucked up. Loki's magic and healing techniques don't work yet, even after four years and he's so angry at that. He's supposed to be better. He's not meant to be sick anymore.

"I'm sick, I'm sick, I'll never get better," he cries out, not paying attention to the blood that drips onto his face when he tries to shakily wipe his tears away. He feels so sick with himself. Loki was meant to be happy and healthy but he's ill, and it's not just physically anymore. He's always been a little ill inside of his head but now he can't deny it. Loki now accepts that he's sick inside of his head. He accepts it. But he hates it.

He hears footsteps approach him and he instantly looks up, knowing that it's Heimdall simply because no one else would be able to find him in this small little cave within the woods other than the Watcher with his all seeing eyes. Loki braces himself against whatever Heimdall could possibly say to the sight before him; to the bloody, tearful, underweight and cold man who looks nothing more than a terrified boy.

Heimdall raises his eyebrows and he kneels down next to Loki, placing his hand onto the floor by Loki's right knee. "Loki, what the fuck is going on? Shit, come on, show me your hands. I need to wrap these up. Can you grab onto me, little prince? We have to get you out of here and quick. Let's not waste time. Loki, this is too far. Come on. Let me help you now."

Loki sobs and his resolve breaks. He can't say no to the Watcher anymore. "Help me. Please. Help, help, help. Please," he begs, moving his hands to grab at Heimdall's shirt. Heimdall shushes him gently and he manages to pick Loki up after two minutes of struggling to get the younger man to calm down enough to be touched.

Heimdall calmly carries Loki back to his own staying quarters instead of Loki's. Once there he sits Loki down on his couch before he walks off to the kitchen, heading straight to the lower kitchen cupboard where his first aid kit is sitting.

When he returns to the living room, he sees Loki picking at his skin. Heimdall puts down his first aid kit and he sits next to Loki, instantly grabbing Loki's hands in his own and forcing him to stop hurting himself. "Stop it right now, Loki. You have to stop this. Hold still while I clean you up."

Loki squirms throughout the whole ordeal of Heimdall cleaning up his jagged cuts and scars, hating that he let his damage get this bad. Heimdall remains silent throughout the whole thing and that only adds to Loki's suffering. He fucking hates it. The silence fucking hurts.

Once Heimdall has tenderly bandaged up his wounds, Loki keeps himself quiet. He prays that Heimdall doesn't say anything but he can't truly be that lucky. "Loki, what on earth made you do this? I have tried to keep my distance for so long, only watching from afar and stepping in when I feared for your safety. However now is time to let me in and help you, because you've gone too far. You can't hide from me and I'm tired of letting you try. Let me in, Loki."

Loki doesn't meet his eyes and he shrugs weakly. "I don't know how. I want to, I-I do. But I don't know how to. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He curls in on himself, confused at and frustrated at and angry at and scared of his emotions. Heimdall frowns and notices that there's some dried blood smeared across Loki's cheek. The Watcher grabs a wet wipe and he cups Loki's chin. He wipes away the blood, his hands firm and grounding.

"It's okay, Loki. I'll help you open up. I'll make sure that you'll get better. I'm here now. I see your pain and I'm glad that you can see it too. Let's make sure you heal."

\----------

Loki whispers into the darkness, shaking a sleeping Heimdall's shoulder to try and wake him up. There's dry tear tracks on his face and it's clear that he's just woken up from a nightmare or something of the sorts. Eventually, Heimdall grunts as he wakes up, clearly disorientated from being so deep into his sleep. He opens his eyes, furrowing his eyebrows as he makes out his acquaintance's figure in the darkness.

Heimdall isn't at all surprised that Loki is in his room. After all, Loki has been living with him for four months, ever since Heimdall had sworn to help him properly. He's just surprised at Loki waking him up so early in the morning. "Loki? What's wrong?" He asks curiously as he sits up.

Loki sits down on Heimdall's bed, crossing his legs as he wipes away his dry tears. "I couldn't sleep and...I was having bad thoughts. I didn't know what to do and I didn't want to hurt myself. I...I came to you because I didn't want to relapse. Not again."

Heimdall shuffles a little closer to Loki and he frowns slightly when Loki doesn't even try looking at him. "Loki, you've got to look at me sometimes. I can see you whether or not you meet my eyes, so there's no point in hiding from me."

Loki hesitantly looks into Heimdall's eyes, his vision hazy because of the darkness of the room. Yet Loki doesn't need his eyes to feel how Heimdall slowly runs a hand through his hair. He shudders at the touch, finding it unexpected yet pleasant all the same.

"Well done for coming to me. I am so proud of you. You're doing so well. Coming to me instead of giving in to your urges is such a large step forwards. I'm so proud of you, little prince."

Loki doesn't know whether it's the praise or the gentleness of the moment that Heimdall is showing him, but Loki feels an unspoken influence take a hold of him and he suddenly leans closer, connecting his lips with the Watcher's. His mind blanks. He's not thinking. He's grateful that he's not, otherwise he would be completely embarrassed for what he's doing. 

Heimdall freezes at first before he cups Loki's chin and kisses him back. It a soft action, the action being one made out of desperation and vulnerability and trust. And Heimdall can sense all of these emotions pouring out of Loki by the second. Nothing escapes his eyes.

\-----------

Loki pants faintly as Heimdall kisses his neck. He goes to stroke Heimdall's hair but Heimdall grabs his wrist and pins it down, all the while he's still kissing Loki's skin, not raising his gaze even once. "You and that fucking vision of yours," Loki huffs softly, feeling at a bit of a disadvantage with Heimdall and his sight.  
"Don't pretend that you don't like it. I know how you like being watched, so there's no point in lying, baby."

The nickname makes Loki wilt. It's perfect for him and he loves it. And even when Heimdall whispers that it won't go any farther tonight, he loves every second. 

\-----------

Heimdall hums softly as he wraps an arm around Loki's waist protectively. They're currently walking back to Heimdall's home after spending the day in the woods to talk, that cave that Loki was once found in being the only place where no one could hear them. 

At least, that's what Loki claimed. Heimdall, however, knows that the trees just make Loki feel more free to express himself. Loki has always been attached to nature, it's his safe space. And who is Heimdall to deny his prince that comfort?

Loki leans into Heimdall's touch, enjoying how firm and shielding it feels. He smiles slightly, feeling genuinely safe for the first in a long time. "Thank you for being here for me. I appreciate it so much," Loki says softly, glancing up at his friend. 

"It's not a problem. I am supposed to be there for you, so there is no need to thank me for doing what is expected of me. It's my job and I am just happy that I am of service to you."  
"Don't do this because I used to be the prince. Do this because you want to. I don't want you to help me if you see this as a job and I want you doing it because you want to help."

Heimdall stops walking and he faces Loki, using his other hand to cup Loki's cheek. "I'm doing this because I care about you and I-. Well, I love you, Loki. You may not be /the/ prince anymore, but you'll forever be /my/ prince. I would never see you as another job to do, another errand to complete. I do this because we are friends."

Loki leans into Heimdall's touch on his cheek and he looks up at the other. He goes to say something but Heimdall smiles and shakes his head, as if knowing what he's about to say. "Loki, I know what you're thinking. And yet I can't entertain your thoughts. We can't be lovers, not yet. It wouldn't be healthy for you. So we shall wait until you're stable enough to handle it. Because with one slip, all of your progress will come undone and it shall be my fault. So let's wait and then we shall embrace one another."

Loki blinks and he nods sheepishly. As usual, Heimdall is wise and sees the whole situation for what it is. He's grateful, he really is, that Heimdall knows how to use his sense. He shrugs out of habit before he feels Heimdall's hand tilt his head upwards. Heimdall smiles and places a gentle kiss against his forehead. "Let's go home."

\--------------

Heimdall pours Loki another glass of wine, smiling when the drunken man starts to sing a shanty out of tune. "Oh way, the Wellerman come, to bring us sugar and, and, and blah um, tea!--and rum! Hehe," Loki slurs out, completely wasted as he and Heimdall celebrate his two year milestone of being self harm free.

Loki thanks Heimdall for the next glass of wine, sipping it before he puts it down. Heimdall, himself, has only had three small beers and therefore is little more than barely tipsy. Sure, he can feel a bit of the liquid confidence run through out his veins, but he's sober enough to keep his wits about him.

Soon enough, Loki is bored with his singing and so he decides to torment Heimdall, who has his eyes closed now but he can obviously still see what's going on. Loki sees that Heimdall's eyes are closed and he huffs. "Heimdall, don't go to sleep. Entertain me," the Jotun whines.

Heimdall raises an eyebrow and yet he keeps his eyes shut, just resting them at first and now he's doing it to tease Loki. "I am asleep, dear prince."  
"No you're not! If you were asleep, you wouldn't be talking."  
"I am simply sleep talking."  
"You wouldn't be able to hear me either!"  
"I am asleep, not dead nor deaf."  
"No, you're awake!"

Pouting and wanting attention, Loki decides to cause a little mischief. If he was sober enough to think about what he's doing, he wouldn't be doing it, but with his drunken bravery kicking in, Loki decides to smirk and stand up.

Loki knows that Heimdall can still see him, so he takes that into his own advantage. The god slowly fiddles with the hem of his shirt before he runs a hand across his buttons. Loki doesn't think twice as he starts to pop the buttons out of their holes, opening up his shirt.

Seeing this happen in front of him, Heimdall tightens his hand into a fist. He didn't expect Loki to do this in front of him. He shouldn't want to open his eyes to see everything clearly, but he does want to. He wants to so badly and yet he fights himself to keep his eyes closed.

This is a silent competition of patience and Heimdall plans to win. Loki slowly pulls the shirt off of him. He discards it onto the living room floor before he walks closer to Heimdall. The god climbs on top of Heimdall's lap, moving a hand to grab one of Heimdall's, his thumb stroking over the Watcher's fingers.

"It's such a shame that you're asleep then. I mean, who else am I supposed to show myself off to, if not the man that I want to see me? Come on, Heimdall. Wake up and see what's in front of you. Open your eyes and see what's all yours."

Loki slowly brings Heimdall's hand to his chest, guiding the Watcher's hand up and down to touch him. Loki's skin is so soft, Heimdall has decided. It's soft and one side of Loki's chest is colder in comparison to the other side. He can feel it all and he doesn't need his eyes to know how beautiful Loki's exposed chest is. 

"Don't you want this to be yours?" Loki asks, running Heimdall's hand over his nipples, those of which are slightly budding. Swallowing slightly, Heimdall nods and he opens his eyes after only a tiny while of teasing. "I want you to be mine. I want...all of you."

Smirking and leaning down, the shirtless god almost kisses Heimdall. "Then come take it," he whispers. Heimdall licks his lips and he pushes himself closer, capturing Loki's mouth with his own. Loki kisses back and he lets his eyes close as Heimdall keeps him close to him.

Heimdall pulls away from his lips slowly and he allows himself to actually take in the view of Loki's chest. There's a beautiful blueness on the left side of his chest and Heimdall leans closer to place a soft kiss by the side of it. "You're beautiful. You're gorgeous. How could you have ever harmed this trophy of a man and never felt guilty, little prince?"

Letting out a small breath at Heimdall's words, Loki gathers himself. "I started to feel guilty when I saw how much it hurt you. The pain was no longer mine alone and that was cruel of me. I couldn't torture you too. Not when you have cared for me my entire life.

"When I was but a boy and you started to become a man, you met me for the first time. A lonesome seven century old boy meeting with a brave, awe-some nine century and some of fifty years too. A teenager met with a warrior who was just over manhood. That's when we met and I am thankful for that day, though now I wish that it had come sooner.

"I was barely a boy at that time, not knowing how to fix what was born wrong. But you lead me to the library, late at night, standing guard and protecting me from anything that could've hurt me. And you were so distant yet you tried so hard. As a child, I could not see how much you cared for me. But now, I'm not certain as to how it went unnoticed.

"I have always hated myself and wanted to hurt myself. And yet I thought that you never knew. You were so good at hiding your gaze from me. I never felt it on me, I never felt watched. I never could see you in return to how you saw me. But know I can see the damage I caused you. At first, I thought you were angry that I was doing it, but then I figured out that it hurt you too. When I first noticed, it was when I relapsed in your bathroom. 

"I remember seeing your face when you walked in. You looked...defeated. And it was worse than anything I could've ever done to myself. I hurt you and the guilt crashed down on me. So I did feel guilt. Only for you."

Heimdall blinks up at Loki, who's now shying away. He moves his hands to cover his chest but Heimdall grabs his hands and places them on his shoulders. Heimdall places his hands onto Loki's waist and he leans up to kiss Loki again. Loki tenses before he relaxes, kissing Heimdall back slowly.

"Oh Loki. I love you, my prince," Heimdall mumbles against Loki's lips before he pulls away. Loki looks at him with a drunken stare and he tears up a little. "I love you too, I love you. Heimdall, I could never stop. You're everything good about me. You've always been here for me. Thor is off amongst the stars, Brunnhilde barely tolerates me, and I'm just a trinket maker. You're everything good about me."

Heimdall kisses Loki's jawline and he whispers to him. "You're everything that I want to protect. You're my prince." Loki lets out a soft gasp when Heimdall's beard scratches against his skin. "And you're my Watcher."

\-----------------

Loki looks at Heimdall with a tiny smile, taking off the illusion that he's worn for three years, ever since he had a surgery that confirmed his gender. Loki was never able to hide his chest after his magic disappeared and he had surgery as soon as he could. Now there's faint scars under his breast bone that he hides with an illusion that takes what magic he can muster.

The man is naked in front of his lover, allowing the other to admire him. He hasn't had a lower surgery yet so he's nervous and he feels exposed, yet he knows that it's a step closer to intimacy with Heimdall.

"I...I'm trusting you a lot with this," he says softly, running a hand over his stomach timidly. Heimdall steps closer, looking over him with a deep stare. "You're so beautiful, baby. Can...I touch you?" Loki nods his head slowly and leans into Heimdall's hands when they finally touch his skin. Heimdall touches his chest, raking his nails down his skin gently.

There's an obvious power difference, with him exposed and Heimdall fully clothed. Yet he doesn't care. In fact, Loki likes how he can just relax and let Heimdall have all of the control here. It helps him learn how to trust the other. And he's okay with it.

Heimdall slowly moves his hands down to Loki's hips and then further, down to the other's thighs. Loki bites back a shudder at Heimdall's warm fingers. Heimdall strokes over the faded scars there and he notices a faded 'W' shape. "What's that, baby?" He asks softly.

Loki tenses a little bit. "It was something...En Gast left on me. But can pretend it's not there? Please?" Heimdall keeps one hand on Loki's thigh and he cups Loki's face with his other hand. "Let's reclaim it. Let's say it stands for 'Watcher,' hm?"

Loki can't believe how understanding and patient Heimdall is. He bites his lip and he nods his head, leaning into Heimdall's touch when the Watcher squeezes his thigh. "You're all mine, aren't you?" Heimdall asks, his voice lowered. "Yes. I'm all yours."

Heimdall kisses Loki's neck gently and he grips his thigh again. "Can I touch your little cock, baby?" Not expecting Heimdall's bluntness, Loki flushes and he splutters. "I--I...Take me to our bed." Heimdall smirks slightly and nods, using both of his hands to pick Loki up by the thighs. Loki hooks his legs over Heimdall's waist and he clings to the other tightly as Heimdall carries him.

\----------------

Loki throws his head back in a broken moan, the pace fast and harsh as he tries his best to match Heimdall's thrusting. He places his hands onto Heimdall's chest to steady himself as he rides his lover harder. "Hei-Hei-! Ah, shit!" Loki cries out, his thighs twitching and shaking.

"Do you like this, little prince? Tell me how much you like it, baby," Heimdall growls. 'Shit. Since when the fuck does he growl?' Loki thinks as he focuses on trying to breathe. It's so good and the wet sounds are so loud that Loki almost doesn't hear the blood rushing in between his ears. "I love it, I-I need more, don't stop! Please, please, don't stop!"

Heimdall surges upwards from his laying down position and he kisses Loki roughly. He bites his bottom lip so harshly that it splits and starts to bleed. Loki gasps and he starts to curse. "Shit, shit, bite me again, please, make it hurt!"

"I'm never one to disobey an order from my prince," Heimdall purrs as he shifts their positions, turning them both onto their sides and forcing Loki to wrap his legs around Heimdall's waist. It's easier to go harder from this angle than it is from when Loki was riding him.

Heimball bites his lips again before he moves to Loki's neck, which is currently covered in tons of dark love bites. The Watcher bites down with heavy force and it makes Loki squirm against him. Heimdall fucks into Loki's cunt as hard as he can, loving how Loki cries out and twitches.

The Jotun's skin is on fire, which is so ironic considering he's an ice giant. His chest is heaving as he takes every thrust gratefully. "Heim--Heim--oh, oh!" Tears of ecstasy fill his eyes and he gasps. Heimdall grunts as he grinds his hips before he goes back to thrusting, his balls slapping the back of Loki's thighs.

Loki can't keep taking it, he's going to cum, it's too much. Garbled moans leave him and he sobs. "Oh, 'Dall..." He groans in a needy voice. Heimdall slows down his thrusting and he pants deeply. "I love you, Loki," Heimdall says, making Loki whimper and flush brightly. "I...I love you too. Now fuck me until I can't cum anymore," Loki responds with a shaky smile.

"I never disobey an order."

\--------------

Loki suckles on Heimdall's nipple, looking up into his lover's eyes the best he can. He knows that it affects Heimdall because the Watcher is panting and his cock is half hard again. The older male runs a hand through Loki's hair, his eyes half lidded. "Good boy, Loki. You're such a good boy. You're gorgeous like this. Like an obedient, thoughtless pet. That's all you are, aren't you? You're like a pet that wants attention from its owner, its protector."

Loki would feel so insulted by being called an animal if he truly cared. But he doesn't. He soaks up the praises as he lets Heimdall tug his hair in any way he wants. Heimdall brings him up to his lips, kissing him firmly before he orders him to suck his cock.

Too high on endorphins to even hesitate, Loki does as told, starting off by licking and kissing at the head of Heimdall's prick. It's salty and bitter tasting at first but Loki doesn't care. He actually kind of likes it. So he starts to work Heimdall deeper into his mouth. He's rewarded with a groan.

\--------------

"--four, three, two, one! Happy new year!" The Asgardians shout and cheer as flares of artificial light fill the night sky. Loki watches the fireworks from inside his living room, a glass of wine in his hand. He twitches his nose before he takes a sip of his drink.

His shoulders slump as he stands alone in the room. It's loud and crowded outside, while it's empty and isolating inside his house. He watches as the fireworks fade from view and he downs his glass as the silence climbs his back like spiders.

Loki throws the glass against the floor and he flinches as it smashes into pieces. The god lets himself fall to his knees and he sobs into the silence. The front door opens and laughter enters the house as his husband walks into the hallway.

Loki covers his mouth as a poor attempt to silence himself as he watches his lover's shadow draw closer. "Loki?" Heimdall calls, confusion and happiness in his voice, obviously having had a good time at the bar with his colleagues. He's obviously not using his gaze on Loki, peer an agreement a few years ago that Heimdall would respect his privacy. It's obvious because Heimdall takes a while to move. 

Loki doesn't respond. He just sobs as Heimdall enters the dark living room. The Watcher turns the light on and his face drops when he sees a breaking down Loki sitting under the window. He frowns and he approaches the other carefully. "Loki? What's going on?"  
"...I lost our baby," Loki whispers.

Shock flickers inside of Heimdall's eyes and he kneels down next to his partner. "You're pregnant?" Trembling, Loki nods before he shakes his head and sobs loudly. "I was. I was, I was. But I--I bled. I bled and I...I knew it. I lost our baby. It's all my fault. I'm disgusting! My...my body killed our child. I lost them. I lost them."

Loki weeps and Heimdall wraps an arm around his husband, tears welling in his own eyes. "It's alright. Well, it's not. But it will be. We can try again, we can try. Oh, Loki. It's not your fault. It's not your fault at all. It was something that happened, it happens all the time. It happens to good people. This is proof that it does. You're a good person and you don't deserve this. It'll get better. We can try again."

"...Are you sure that you even want to have a child with me? I'm a fucking Jotun, I'm...a monster. I'm...I don't even know what I am!" Heimdall kisses Loki's hair and he pulls his crying lover against his chest. "You're my husband and my prince. You're a man of trickery and intelligence and you own the most valuable silver tongue. I would want to have a kid and then three more with you. I love you."

Loki crumbles in Heimdall's arms. He hates this year already.

\--------------

Loki storms down the stairs when he hears it open. Heimdall has only just shut the door when Loki's arms wrap around his neck. He lets out a chuckle and he turns to face his husband. "Hello, beloved. You seem to be in a happy mood."

Loki nods his head and he sniffles, evidently having been crying. "Heim, I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant," he says excitedly, looking at his lover with shining eyes. Heimdall goes wide eyed before he hugs Loki and picks him up, spinning him around. "Yes! We're going to have a baby!" He says, smiling so widely. They're both so happy. Nothing could go wrong.

\---------

"Mary, sit still before I cancel your play date with your cousin!" Loki scolds as he plaits his son's hair. Mary squirms in his seat, huffing slightly as he pouts. "You don't plait Luci's hair!"  
"That's because your father braids his hair. I'm no good with thick and curly hair. I'd happily like to stick to your hair," Loki replies before he finishes with Mary's hair.

"Now, giving Papa a kiss," Loki says softly, smiling at his older son. Mary replaces his pout with a smile and he kisses Loki's cheek before he stands up. "I'll be back later, Papa!" Mary says with a grin before he races out the front door. Loki shakes his head in amusement and he goes to call for Heimdall until a hand covers his mouth. "I'm here, beloved. Don't worry, I've got my eye on him right now. He's running towards Brunnhilde as we speak."

Loki smiles behind Heimdall's hand before he licks it playfully. Heimdall twitches his nose and wipes his hand against Loki's face. The Jotun squirms and lets out a grossed out sound. Heimdall chuckles. "I'll always be a step ahead of you, my trickster."  
"I know you will, my Watcher."  
"I love you, my dear."  
"And I you."   
"Now, I'll go grab Lucifer from the kitchen and I'll meet Mary down at Thor's. Are you sure that you won't come with us?"

"Oh, no, my love. I have my trinkets to make. Go on ahead and if I find some time later then I'll come and catch up with you guys. If you need me, just hurry home."  
"And if you need me, I'll know. I'll see you later."  
"Pun intended, Heimdall?"  
"Absolutely."

Loki smiles dreamily as he watches Heimdall carry their youngest out of their house, his heart loud in his ears. He blows a kiss towards his turned away husband and he watches Heimdall turn around and blow one back. Lucifer copies Heimdall's actions and Loki giggles.

He's finally healthy.

He's finally happy.


End file.
